Saturday, 8 March 2008


The Lord Flashheart, leader of the '20 minuters' dropped in today, almost literally. Bursting through the door, after slapping my plaster cast with his gloves, his first words were, "Nasty crosswinds on Manston today, Biggles! Thank goodness for the bit of power from the old Gypsy; almost dropped a wing on the deck but the old girl got a quick jab from me and responded ecstatically, Woof! Woof! Had a quiet flight over and not an Ace-ads banner in sight thank God!" He then jumped into the spare armchair and gave me a running commentary on The Calcutta Cup Match that I cannot repeat here; suffice it to say he was un-impressed with England's performance.

The bad news followed after throwing one of his flying boots at the TV at the end of the game. " I am with you until Tuesday, Bertie old boy, so I hope you have lined up some bedwarmers for me in the spare room, Woof Woof! Big storm coming in and I am now grounded. Where are you taking me to wine, dine and fornicate?Woof WOOF!". When I told him that funds were short and that hitting the night-spots of Thanet was out of the question he fell silent for 5 minutes. " Hell, Bertie, this is serious" was his next comment and he didn't say another word for a whole 15 minutes. Then he sprung this great idea on me.
"Bertie, we need to run a G - Conference!"
He explained that as we had kilometres of unsightly fencing and a Grafitti problem in Thanet, it was an ideal time to hold a 'Grafitti Conference'. We could organise it and charge all the delegates 'oodles' of cash and take them on practical sessions; put them up in The Nail and Rock (now that it was a 'proper hotel' again) and invite Banksy, foreign G -experts, Government Ministers, 'Shadow' types, our local politicos and even the Israelis as Banksy gave them a problem on their security wall around the West Bank.
We are now planning Thanet's first G-conference! The booking is in for The Winter Gardens as the conference hall and even though it may not be as smart as a London hotel venue, we reckon that jellied -eels and winkles washed down with a pint or two will justify a fee per delegate of £995 for the two day bash.
I have never seen the Lord Flashheart so excited. "We'll get the elastic band on your Sopwith fixed in no time with the profits on this wheeze" he said, " But there is one problem...".
I asked what it was and he said " You have no profile, old chap in this G business and we must address this fast. Its not good enough saying you scribbled on your prep desk at Eton; scratched 'Biggles woz ere' on your bench in the Bodleian and on the wall at Yale. We need some more up-to date stuff!"
So readers, search on Wickedpeedear for my new G profile fast, before it gets obliterated with "citation needed" comments; look out in The Gazunder for reports on a spate of new grafitti in Thanet and Magistrate Court appearances of yours truly. Below, I show a piece of my recent work which I was particularly pleased with.


Anonymous said...

Hopefully his royal highness will sod off to aussie land and become a figure of ridicule over there, rather than staying here and being seen to be a busted flush here!
so long. goodbye, and don't come back!!

Rick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bertie Biggles said...

Let's not get too personal,23.52! Please remember this is a 'neutral site' and runs an acceptable user policy. Whilst having some sympathy with your comments, the nature of the existentialist www is such that Van Diemens Land is still only a mere 'mouse click' away, unfortunately.